I have a long history of silent, but smoldering crushes. It's kind of my thing. The more intense my feelings, the more secretive I become. This system has it's faults, the main one being that often the object of my affection is completely unaware of my love.
Well, no more.
I have a random crush on a man I have never met. His name is Alex Blumberg and he is a producer and on-air contributor to This American Life. (This American Life is a fantastic radio show out of Chicago. If you have never heard it before, click on the link. Now.) I probably wouldn't recognize Alex Blumberg if I saw him walking down the street, and yet, I love him a little bit. Not love as in real love, but love like I love Tom Selleck, and Yo-yo Ma....you know, silly, from-a-very-safe-distance love. I have absolutely zero actual information about Alex Blumberg. He could be married (probable), he could be gay (definite possibility), or worst of all, he could be a republican (unlikely- he works for public radio).
I have such a pronounced crush on Alex Blumberg, that last fall, I felt compelled to write him a fan letter. Not an email mind you, oh no, I wrote an actual letter on paper, in an envelope, with a stamp. Just because I didn't actually draw any hearts or rainbows on the letter, doesn't mean they were not there in spirit. Any normal adult would understand that the mere existence of a fan letter written ON PAPER and mailed via the US postal service, implies hearts and rainbows. I did write Kate+Alex on the outside of the envelope, but I bet he has a secretary that opens his mail and tosses out the envelopes. (bitch)
So here is what I am thinking: Some day, Alex Blumberg will come home late from a party. He'll be a little bit drunk, but too restless to go to sleep, so he'll sit down at his computer. Then he'll do what everyone does eventually (just admit it, you've all done it) - he is going to google himself. And you know what he'll find when he googles himself? Well, first he's going to find a bunch a professional stuff, but he'll skip over all that, because that is boring. What do you think he will find once digs around for a little bit? That's right. Me. This website. After that, there is only one logical conclusion: Kate Blumberg.
I have decided to refocus my romantic energy on men I have never actually met. Real life guys are so, I don't know, unruly and difficult to manage. Lord knows I have tried with the flesh and blood set, but it is just not working out. I prefer a man who literally has no idea who I am.